Jumbled

I know most everyone can relate to what I'm about to say ... do you ever wish you could just turn your brain off?  If only there was some magical switch, made either of flesh & bone, or by remote control, that you could achieve the quiet you need for a few minutes at the mere touch of a button.  How glorious that would be!  But, [sigh] it ain't gonna happen.

So, instead, I'm stuck with my noisy mind.  And it's not like my brain is cluttered with pleasant thoughts, it's simply cluttered with garbage.  Total crap that comes to fruition when you are awake too long during any given day.  Believe me, I wish I were sitting up at midnight, frantically scribbling out some life-changing poetry that I could proudly hand down to my son, or trying to better understand fixed point theorems.  Instead, I'm chasing out thoughts of that new Volvo I really like, or what veggies we'll have with dinner tomorrow evening, or how much longer do I have with my dog?  I stopped taking my doctor-prescribed Melatonin a few weeks ago.  Maybe I should re-think that decision.

This spring break trip can not get here fast enough.  I need this escape so badly, I could come out of my skin.  I need to be in nature, with entirely less outside noise than I am surrounded by now, and just breathe.  I need to not hear a television for a week.  I need to watch sunrises and sunsets, in all their infinite glory.  I need to photograph strange insects and beautiful skies.  I don't want to put unnecessary pressure on this adventure, but I'm hoping it helps renew me in the way our annual trip to Port Aransas usually does.  And, I'm probably in such dire need of this spiritual renewal because we didn't take our annual trip to Port A last year.  I'm feeling the effects of that, and the effects are not great.  So, forgive me if all you hear me yammering about is this impending road-trip in two weeks.  I need this.  I neeeeeeeed this.

Maybe once I've had time with my boys, in wide open spaces that are filled only with my son's laughter, with no time constraints or demands on each day, the noise in my mind will quiet down.  Hopefully, it will at least be put at bay for enough time that I can feel like myself again.  I'm not feeling like myself these days, and it's a struggle.  

Three things I'm grateful for today:

1.  Friends.

2.  My husband coming home early from work.

3.  Sitting on the hood of my car, eating ice cream with my kid.

I hope all of you are feeling more peaceful these days.  I'll get there.  Until next time ...