Nothing.
After a wild week at work and my head being jam-packed with so many thoughts, they feel like they're spilling out all over my body, I finally get a solid few hours to myself on the last day, and my brain is mush. Like a big, sloppy pile of mashed potatoes. And as I'm sure you can imagine, mashed-potato-brains don't make for good writing.
I will just start with this: a lot of changes are happening at my job, and the way things are now are the way things have been for about a decade. We've had some personnel changes a few times, but they were always with people I already knew, and they were incredibly smooth transitions. In a nutshell, you can say I've been extremely fortunate to have had things go so well for so long. As everyone is inherently resistant to change, I will admit at times, I am no different -- so this lot of impending changes has me a bit preoccupied and anxious.
We have seven people either leaving or shifting positions within the company, all happening over the next two weeks. Seven. And about 75% of these seven people are ones I have worked with for a very long time, become very close to, and find myself wondering what it will be like without them. That's normal to make one feel a bit weirded out, right? It would be different if just one or two people were leaving, but seven?? It almost feels unfair. I'm not being pouty, but I think I'm realizing, now that the lunacy of this week has come to a close this Friday evening, that I'm sad. I thought I was fine this whole week, rolling with the punches, finding out about all of these people and watching some already work their last day. But, no one would be fine watching seven friends walk out of the place they usually see them daily, so I should probably stop trying to kid myself that I'm so tough.
This blows. There, I said it.
And even of these seven, the ones I always thought I wouldn't care if they stayed or left, they still bum me out, too. Where I work is a lot like an extended, dysfunctional family. Each person plays their part, and has their role in our weird little family unit - and if they leave, the dynamic shifts. So, like in a real family, people are moving, people are graduating, people are off to seek bigger and better things. Naturally, all this shifting around has made me question if it's my time to move on, as well. Is a chapter of my life closing, once and for all? Have I played this one out? Should I be considering new paths and challenges? Maybe. Maybe not. I never took this job thinking it would be the only place I would work at for the rest of my life. I always knew, buried deep in the back of my brain, that I would eventually move on from this place, when the time felt right to do so -- but is that now? Is it time to shake things up and rock the near-concrete-steady boat I have tried so hard to make sure could not be rocked for the last 10 years? It's hard not to play with those thoughts, to let them flow freely without committing to any one answer or logical next step. Those types of thoughts are also scary, and then I find that anxiety starts to creep in. I feel some anxiety about not seeing the same familiar faces each day, I feel anxiety about a new boss, as well as the other newbies coming into our family ... I just feel anxious about losing seven people I already know, trust, and like. It's a lot to take in all at once. And at times, it's heavy.
Two of the girls I have become very close with over the past two years, aside from Amber, were Lauren and Lana. They are two dynamic, absolutely spectacular young women that made it such a joy to come to work each day. I inadvertently sort of adopted them and became like their Mom at work, because yes, I actually could have birthed them both, and we've been through a lot together. They both graduated from college this past Saturday, so they have worked their last days already, and we said our bittersweet goodbyes. Then, I came in to my office this morning to find:
As if that wasn't sweet enough, I then went to gather the payroll sheets, and found:
They certainly didn't make my first day without them very easy. But, of course, I was so happy and smiled from ear to ear when I saw these sweet surprises. It's stuff like this that I'm talking about that I will miss so much with these seven people leaving.
These are the times when I try to remind myself to pray. I know I can get through all these changes, I know I can continue to do my job as well as I have been doing it since September of 2004, I know I can take on a positive attitude and look at these upcoming changes as opportunities to make new friends, and forge new friendships. I know all that. What I don't know, is if I want to. So, I will take my worries, my anxieties, and my uncertain feelings and stack them all up to make one giant offering up to The Big Man, St. Anthony, and all my other heavenly homies. They have never led me astray in the past, so I am certain they will help whisper guidance now. My job, my REAL job, is to clear out my head and make it quiet enough to listen.
☮✝✿
No comments:
Post a Comment