I think it's official. I am now "Mom", instead of "Mommy". [sigh] I know this is typical almost-8-year-old behavior, so I should be happy my son is progressing normally, but it still took me completely off guard. Knocked me on my ass, is more accurate, actually.
I have been trying to mentally prepare for this day since he was itty-bitty, but apparently all that preparation effort has gotten me nowhere. He started toying with the terms "Mom" and "Dad" a few months ago, but it was sporadic. Now, since about three weeks ago, it's all he says. I'm so used to hearing his voice say "Mommy", that it almost takes me a second to process that it's MY kid saying "Mom" when we're out in public. Thankfully, my small pause before responding has gone unnoticed, and I've been given the time I need to process the fact that he's growing up each time he says it. This is what actually goes through my head when I hear him say it:
Z: "Mom?"
Me: ohmygodhe'sgrowingupsofast-isitreallytimeforthisalready?-whatisnext?-can'tthinkaboutthisnow-heneedssomething.
The strangest part about this transition from "Mommy" to "Mom" has been the general sense of anxiety I've been feeling ever since it started. For some reason, him calling me something other than "Mommy" triggers this weird panic in me that I'm losing him in this state of innocence. Like, all the bad things in the world are going to start to making sense to him & affecting him soon, and there's still so much I want to do with him, before he starts choosing time with his friends over time with me. He will be 8 soon, and I still stand in awe at how fast time has gone by. I still say to my husband or my parents "he's going to start second grade in August?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" on a pretty regular basis. I treasure every single time he asks me to play with him, or wants me to go outside with him even more than I treasured it before (which I didn't know was possible). Each time we plan a small weekend adventure or our next big vacation, I can't help but think about how I need to soak up every single second of it, because in a few short years, he'll start dreading these outings. He'll only be interested if a friend can come along, and hanging with his parents won't seem as fun or as cool as it used to. Hopefully not?
I'm at a clear disadvantage here, since I never had a second child. I don't have another kid around to soften the blow of the first one getting older. I don't have any of the gooey Mommy stuff on reserve to tap into when I'm feeling weirded out or melancholy. I'm sure a puppy will come in handy eventually, for the times I need to smother something with hugs & kisses, and it won't squirm away after the first few pecks. But, to be honest, I never wanted another kid - I just wanted Z. I don't miss having a baby around, I miss him being a baby. I would never want to start all over again with a whole new person, I just want to slow down time with the little person I already have. He's my one & only.
I know every parent goes through this, so I'm not the first & I surely won't be the last. I just don't know how to deal with it, is all. I'm usually comforted with pictures I take, or my collection of artwork he's made, but none of that is calming me anymore. I feel like I'm moving into unfamiliar territory, and I haven't quite figured out what to do with the unnerving twinge it gives me. I don't like that feeling of losing time. It makes me little frantic in my stomach, and makes me second-guess if I've done enough with him up to this point. I know I spend more time with my kid than a lot of parents get to spend with theirs, but is it ever really enough? Because he's growing up so fast, my mind can easily pick out the times I was short with him, or feeling pressured to get something done, and didn't take as much as time as I probably could have. I try to remind myself of the other 70,000 times I did put off laundry, cleaning, and my own interests so I could lay on the floor and play Legos, or chase him around the front yard. I'll keep trying to remember that, and try not to feel like I lost any time with him along the way. I have to, or else I'll get downright sad.
Interestingly enough, an email came through from a dear friend of mine, as I have been writing this. Her words were, "I can't believe how grown up Z is looking these days ... it's insane. He is so handsome! Make. Time. Stop." My thoughts, exactly.
Make. Time. Stop.
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